The Politics of At Home Parents
Being an At Home Parent is difficult, but being an At Home Dad creates unique issues. The reasons behind becoming an At Home Parent are as diverse as the parents themselves. This does not mean that the family that can’t or chooses not to have someone Stay Home with their kids loves their children any less. At the same time the family that chooses or has to have one parent at home does not make them lazy or unmotivated. With the rising costs and the falling quality of daycare many families like mine have made the decision to have a parent at home. This decision was not made lightly, but a combination of raising our children the way we wanted and the prohibitive cost of two and now three kids in daycare made this the best choice for us. Our decision is more unique then most because we chose to have me, “The Dad” stay home with the kids. There are always politics between the At Homes and Works, but throw in the At Home Dad and there are all new issues.
When it comes to being an at home dad I see a few different views and thoughts from people. I have put them into three basic groups, but these are very general groups that can’t encompass all the different aspects and complexities of views of At Home Dads.
The Assumers – This group is a wide-ranging group of people that do not know what to think about an at home dad and do and say things not meaning to be rude. They call him “The Babysitter ”, Mr. Mom” and make comments like “Stuck with the Kids Today?” They could be family members, people at stores, teachers or coworkers of mom. Typically these people don’t look at you as the primary caregiver, but someone filling in for mom. However once they know the situation and have constant exposure to At Home Dads they tend to become “Embracers”
The Embracers – This group is actually quite small in my experience. They are the Moms in playgroups that step over the imaginary line becoming friends, the working dads that think it is great you are with the kids and the family members that tout your decision with pride. Unfortunately it may take time to get people to stop being assumers and actually embrace your family’s decision. The more people have exposure to you as the At Home Dad the more they understand and accept you as who you are, a caring parent.
The Refusers – These are the most common and typically make it the most difficult to be an At Home Dad. The Mom playgroups that won’t let you in because you are a man acting like the stuck up mean girls from high school. The Dads that do not want you around their wives and even the strangers that think it is wrong for a dad to be the main child care provider. Of course the biggest Refuser is the media that portrays most At Home Dads as inept, bumbling fools that can’t change diapers and have no knowledge or ability to be a responsible parent. Opinions expressed from many Refuser Moms include, “What Can He Know About Being a Parent?” “What would people think if they saw me with a man other my husband?”, “What could we possibly talk about?” and my favorite “If I spend time with him he will want to sleep with me!” It is the Refusers that make it truly difficult on the At Home Dad.
Some people can grow and look beyond traditional gender roles, while others refuse to embrace change. Whether you are a Working Parent an At Home Parent, Mom or Dad in the end it is all about being a PARENT. We all try to do what is best for our family and for this family it is for me to be home.
Politics of Play Groups
This is a situation that I have seen the most strife and conflict. When getting a group of people together it is difficult to always agree as well as become too focused on the norm and reject change. With all the Mom playgroups and very few Dad play groups it is really difficult for a Dad to find a group that is willing to include him. The shear disparity of numbers between At Home Moms and At Home Dads makes most groups mom groups. A big aspect of many of the playgroups is that they are more “social groups” for the moms and less about the kids play groups. If it were solely about the kids then there would not be issues with genders of the parents. It is easy to point fingers and make generalizations, but at times something comes up that makes this point.
Lindsay Ferrier of the “Nashville Scene” wrote a piece titled “Dad-Core is Hard- Core” which has caused some recent verbal combat with her and At Home Dads. Some of the verbal assaults were brutal and emotional and some were well thought out defenses of At Home Dads. While the article makes the point that At Home Dads have a difficult time it also shows just why they have a difficult time by her own comments. Whether she intended the piece to be a humor piece or to draw attention is not clear, but in the end what is clear is the article does more harm then good when it comes to At Home Dads. From the article she shows just how the Politics of Play Groups can be rather negative.
“we’d had a SAHD show up before at play group and it was about as much fun as Pedro Garcia’s going-away party. The moms, all of whom generally arrive with hilarious stories about their bumbling husbands, irritating in-laws or pending divorces, all sat around with bright, false smiles and exchanged nervous pleasantries for 45 minutes until the dad finally made up some excuse, grabbed his son and split. As soon as the front door slammed, we all burst out laughing.”
